Ruminants and Aldebaran

Ruminants. It's the name for animals that are able to digest cellulose by a ridiculously complicated digestive process that I unfortunately have to know about for my biology class. The most famous ruminants are cows and their 6 stomachs, a fact that circulated around my elementary school for a few months because some people thought it was the coolest. thing. ever.

Anyway, "ruminants" sounds like the name of an alien species. Maybe it's because I just saw the Star Trek movie again this weekend, and it does sound similar to Romulans (sort of), but I have decided that ruminants are aliens. Plus, that whole regurgitation and six-stomach thing is kind of creepy.

In addition, this hypothesis would explain the phenomena of cattle mutilation. The most (in)famous explanation for this is that aliens did it, which has led to some amusing jokes in films and video games.

But, quite clearly, the reason for cattle mutilations is punishment.

Cows come from a planetary system around Aldebaran, the brightest star in the Taurus constellation. They sent out reconnaissance teams to earth millions of years ago in order to determine the threat that the rising species of humans would pose (obviously not much). In an attempt to remain incognito, they allowed themselves to become "domesticated" and used for food, leather, and occasionally pets.

Over the years, however, their descendants forgot their true purpose. When new cows began arriving during the mid 20th century, they were horribly dismayed by this fact, and expressed their rage by ritually killing their once-kin in a violent and horrible fashion. This also serves the dual purpose of an observational experiment of humans, as they wish to see how we will react.

So there you have it. Cows are aliens.

The next time you take a bite of that hamburger, think of that.